You're beautiful

Yesterday at a play date I told a little girl how pretty her dress was. Her little brother immediately piped in, "What about my clothes?"

What about his clothes? I didn't notice them - at all. I complimented the girl on something completely superficial and looked past the boy's clothes to his actions.

I have officially lost any claims I have to being a feminist. This may be the crux of raising girls without beauty confidence issues. We should never tell girls they are pretty or beautiful. Yet I do this with my own kids and other girls EVERY SINGLE DAY.

"Your haircut is so cute!"
"That dress is beautiful."
"You're so pretty."
"What a beautiful princess."
"What a lovely ballerina."

At best these phrases are setting the stage for girls to strive for external beauty. At worst girls will build a sense of self around being told they are beautiful by their parents only to feel crippling self consciousness the first time another girl questions their beauty. The very worst part of this dialog is that I'm teaching girls that the packaging is more important or as important as what's in the package. And thus we elude feminism for yet another generation.

My goal is to stop telling my daughters they are beautiful. Instead I will tell them they are hardworking, smart, fun, funny, caring and strong. They happen to also be beautiful, but that's not important.